A Sarcastic Review of the New Deadpool Movie *Spoilers*

The following review is written with the trademark sarcasm of Deadpool. This is not the usual style of the article’s author, just more a literary experiment. The author doesn’t normally write like this, and opinions expressed in this review are all jokes (except the whole “this film is great and you should go see it” thing). If you are easily offended…STOP READING NOW.

I’m totally serious. If you are going to make tons of nasty comments, just pass this article on and go look at handmade wreaths on Pinterest. It’s called satire.

Courtesy of Comingsoon.net

Deadpool was introduced in 1991 in New Mutants 98. It’s easy to say that his appearance rocked the comic book world. I mean, look at how awesome he is. He has the quintessential “comic book character who needs his own franchise” qualifications:

He’s immortal – check

He wears a snazzy red outfit which accents all of his curves – check

He’s really good with swords – check

He loves Bea Arthur – check and DOUBLE CHECK FOR COOLNESS

He loves 80s and 90s music – check

He looks fierce in John-Woo-Painfully-Slow-Motion scenes – check

He has a lingering resentment for his enemies that could be extended for several films – check

So, he should be bigger than Batman. In fact, I just started a petition on one of those .org websites to do that. Batman comes from an affluent family, that’s how he finances all of his cool toys. Technically, he’s the one percent. My college professor told me that I should loathe the one percent. So adios, Batman. Go sign my petition. If you do, I’ll send you a prize – lint from my jeans or a roll of toilet paper or last week’s coupons from CVS.

Courtesy of moviepilot.com

Deadpool’s first movie is bigger than Titanic. At least with Titanic, you’re all like, “Thanks James Cameron. I really love this couple and they’re probably going to die. The ship is going to sink, says every history book ever.” Even James freakin’ Cameron can’t change history. Then, oh wait, the rich snobby girl survives.

And that’s another point for the one percent.

Deadpool is actually Wade Wilson, who is a regular joe. He finally found love. Things were coming together for him. Then he gets hit with a grim diagnosis – cancer. Cancer, everywhere. He’s told that there are options available, but his cancer is late stage and extremely aggressive. Astounded by the news that he will probably die ironically right after he gets his crap together, he heads to his favorite bar where a shady guy with a haircut from Dumb and Dumber offers him an experimental treatment. Against his better judgment, Wade heads to this weird laboratory that looks like something out of Silent Hill. Real sanitary. He is pushed to the edge of his physical capabilities via dangerous experiments. When he gives lip to his doctor, he is placed in a Michael Jackson/Futurama hyperbolic chamber and deprived of enough oxygen. This makes his body (including his face) gain the texture of a really-ripe Halo, without the cute fruit sticker on it.

Faithful readers of the comic (yeah, all of those awesome people) will know that this is slightly different than the comic. Wade Wilson is a human with no latent mutant qualities. In the comic, he is injected with Wolverine’s healing ability. The experiment is later deemed a failure and Wilson is thrown into a pool, hence Deadpool. On the contrary, the film tells us that his name comes from a pool at a bar where people beat other people to death. Cute, right?

Courtesy of Twitter

While we’re on the topic of violence, let me remind the reader that this movie is rated R. There is gratuitous violence, nudity, and expletives. Please don’t bring your kids to see this movie. It is made for ADULTS, like drinks with 50% less sugar and Shake Weights. Please don’t tell me that your kindergarten kid is special and can tolerate seeing frontal nudity. Or don’t tell me that you are too liberal to tell your kid “No” to a movie which features a criminal getting squashed into a highway sign like a bug on a windshield (and yeah, that happened in Roadrunner like 428 times but that was a cartoon). If you are too stubborn and do it anyway, don’t complain to the theater people who will just shake their head at an idiot who took a toddler to a film where the protagonist’s love interest serves drinks at a nudie bar. Isn’t there a movie out with Disney or Pixar? Yeah, take little Timmy to see that. Moving on…

Wade Wilson has to reinvent himself as Deadpool. He now realizes that he can’t die, which is really helpful when you fight dudes with lots of artillery. But the experiment hasn’t hampered Deadpool’s smart mouth. This is what we all love about Deadpool, right? We love the fact that he is a sarcastic smarty pants who with exceptional talent can cash the check that his mouth writes.

If you are a reader of the comics, you will recognize some faces – Blind owl, Collosus, and Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Monster Magnet fans say “Heyyyyyy”). Collosus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead are characters from the X-Men universe, who attempt to persuade Deadpool into joining the X-Men and “turning good” but Deadpool is not really interested. He’s a vigilante; he prefers his solitude unless he is rescuing his girlfriend from a pack of bad guys on an abandoned aircraft carrier thing, then he needs backup. But in the end, Deadpool gets his revenge and the girl. Ryan Reynolds is PERFECT as Deadpool. The casting is wonderful for both major and peripheral characters. The storyline of this film is fantastic. It’s the perfect blend of “origin story” and “new story” for those who haven’t read the comics (and if you haven’t, shame on you. What are you reading, crap on the New York Times bestseller list?).

Courtesy of foxmovies.com

There’s action, romance, drama, and more humor than your stomach muscles can handle – all of the characteristics that make a good movie. Take your girlfriend to it for Valentine’s Day. Maybe she’ll start reading Deadpool instead of Nicholas Sparks books and she’ll be cooler than all of your other friends’ girlfriends.